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This Could Get Messy

Ladies and Gentlemen we give you Ranting Ronnie. We would like to point out that all views expressed here are not necessarily those of BookieBusters and we're not having a "go" at any bookie in particular

I've been betting on the internet for about six months now. I've had my computer for just over a year. For the first six months I didn't realise there was anything other than dirty pictures to be had from these things until I discovered online gambling. Now I hardly ever look at the dirty pictures although my keyboard sticks every now and then just to remind me.

I've been asked to write because I felt I was missing something from the High Street experience when I'm gambling from the house, so I set about making some improvements that would make me feel as though I were getting the full High Street experience while enjoying the benefits of Tax Free internet betting. 

I know a few of you feel that you're missing out whilst betting online so if you want to follow my lead just walk this way.

First up I've attached two telly's to my wall. One has no sound and the other one blares out at full blast but has no picture. I've rigged the other one to go all fuzzy just as the horses come in to the straight. 

I couldn't always be sure to have company in the house so I've made a big cardboard cut-out of a circus freak, you know the type that usually stands in front of you just as they cross the line in a pack. Now when they approach the line I just wave him in front of my eyes and I never see who has won.

I've also got hold of some old tit from the boozer who used to play a bit of football when it was first invented, and had him do a few tapes of how he sees the football games going. You know the stuff. "Oh I remember just before the war when Leeds played Liverpool and they beat them then so I reckon they'll win now". 

When I hear the tape I shout at the speaker "if you know so much about betting how come your talking to this poncy git for fifty quid a week," just like I do in the bookies. 

I mean, what the f&*k have they got these gits on for eh? Can you imagine any bookie in their right mind employing someone who actually knew what they were talking about and give the lads at the bookies ten winners a week?

 
 

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Same as those boards they have behind the counter with the "you can win £600 for a fiver if these lot come up". What I've done in the house is similar except I've written on it "if you bet these you deserve to lose all your dosh ya soft git". At least I'm being more honest than those poxy bookies. 

To make it more realistic again I've got the missus to read a magazine while I try to talk to her. She's hard to look at at the best of times my missus and her arse is so big each cheek has a different postcode. She looks like a pig with knickers on and she doesn't answer me when I speak to her, so she's just like all the other birds that work in the bookies. 

I've installed a couple of fruit machines as well. I mean, you can't go to the bookies and not think you've strolled in to an amusement arcade can you? I've stopped short of getting four spotty youths and a sad git skiving off from work standing there playing them all day. Instead I just sit and listen to their tunes as they drive me off my head.

And last but not least, the piss de resistance, I've recreated that bookies toilet feel in the house. I stopped flushing a couple of months back and the stains have been growing nicely. After the recent overflow the piss is flowing nicely around the floor and if I'm not mistaken someone's dropped a Mars Bar in the corner. 

At least I think it's a Mars Bar. The smell is filtering through just nicely and it's been exactly what I've needed to give me the real bookies feel. 

So there you have it, you can have the real bookies experience in your own home and for a lot less cash than you would think. I'm off for a lie down now before the racing starts. What's that you say, football coupons?... of course I've not got any...bloody write it out on a line and we'll do it that way!

Bugger Off

Ranting Ronnie  

 
 
 

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